A Thumbnail Theology – Peter Lundell, D.Miss.
Also included is the bonus of my life lessons, “Married Couples Remember…”
Traditional Christianity has long implied or taught—in varying degrees, times, and places—that sex is for procreation only, or that it must only be done in a certain way, or that certain attitudes or acts are unholy, dirty, or taboo. Some cultures, secular or religious, have concepts of sex being dirty, that women should be passive and stiff, and that certain activities or parts of the body, particularly related to genitalia, are dirty. These are arguably the same cultures where we traditionally see a wide presence of concubines, who perhaps act as the wives men wished they had.
On the other hand, since the late 1960s, Western and later non-Western cultures have become increasingly sexualized to the point of perverse obsession. The institution of marriage has been degraded and damaged and cast aside in countless ways. Destructive sexual and relational attitudes and practices, even if done secretly, driven largely by pornography, have become widely and appallingly accepted. In this regard the sanctity and health of marriages have been terribly violated. And all society is paying the price.
As the traditional church and cultures have to some degree imposed unbiblical concepts of what is holy and beautiful versus dirty and shameful—and as our contemporary age is sinking in sexual promiscuity and degradation—this combination can put Christians at an unwitting disadvantage in freely, fully, and joyfully engaging sexually and relationally within the protective, set-apart, covenantal boundaries of marriage. The result can sometimes be a marriage that is nowhere close to what it could be, or sometimes be a marriage that is violated by adultery, abuse, or worse.
And remember that healthy sex and relationship are not isolated. They’re part of your whole life, which includes well-being and harmony in finances, family, work, health, and life situations you may be going through. These other areas will either hinder or enhance sex and relationship.
That said, a truly biblical view of sex and relationship provides the strongest antidote both to inhibitions and dysfunctions and to pornography, adultery, and abuse. Following the Bible is at once the most protective-yet-liberating, redeeming-yet-exhilarating approach to sex and relationship in the world. Of course, it is. God created it.
Consider these biblical passages and the life lessons that follow.
Genesis 2:22–25
Woman is made from man, and in turn man is born from woman. Man and woman are made by each other and for each other.
Man and woman are united—they are soul mates (any other soul mates are violating the relationship).
Man and woman become one flesh—sexual intercourse is the full union of oneness that physically establishes and exemplifies all oneness in the marriage.
The man and woman are naked before each other without any shame—the couple has total giving and receiving openness in their relationship with no place for shame.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage is to be honored, and the marriage bed is to be kept pure. Their relationship all the way down to the bed is holy, set apart, to that married couple and no one else. No trespassing.
Ephesians 5:21–33
The principle of love and respect—mutual submission.
Husbands and wives are meant to serve each other. Paul parallels this generally to Christ and the church. But sexually and relationally, this passage tells married couples to selflessly and respectfully love and care for, and implicitly bless, or give joy to, each other.
The Bible never says what we can and cannot do sexually. There is not one verse that says what a husband and wife may or may not lovingly and respectfully do with each other. The absence of any such verse is noteworthy. The only prohibitions are things done outside of marriage. In the covenant of heterosexual marriage, in which a husband and wife love, respect, and honor each other, anything is permissible. Any relationship or act of domineering, forcing, violence, disrespect—or forcefully withholding—is not permissible.
The biblical phrase and concept of “sexual immorality” never has anything to do with what a man and woman do within a covenant of marriage. It is always used with the understanding of sexual immorality as detailed in Leviticus 18 and 20. Chapter 20 repeats 18 and metes out the severe punishments for sexual immorality—primarily incest, and secondarily adultery, bestiality, and homosexuality.
Note that while the Bible severely condemns adultery, fornication does not get the same condemnation. Why? Read Exodus 22:16 and Deuteronomy 22:28–29. If you have sexual intercourse, you marry. Sexual intercourse is the physical act of marriage. That’s your husband; that’s your wife. Anything beyond that is adultery and condemned.
This is where redemption needs to happen for many people.
This is yet another reason why holiness—being set apart to God—is so important in the Christian life. In sex and relationship, this holiness includes the husband and wife’s being set apart to each other.
Mark 7:15–23
Jesus makes clear that uncleanness has nothing to do with what we do or take in. Uncleanness is all about manifesting sin out of our hearts.
1 Corinthians 6:12–20
“‘Everything is permissible for me’—but not everything is beneficial.” Follow this guideline in all its implications. This would of course be within the boundaries of the Ten Commandments.
Verses 15–16 clarify that sexual intercourse with a prostitute (and in principle, anyone outside the marriage) is the act of physically uniting (Genesis 2:24) with that person. It’s an act of marriage. In the eyes of God, this is an absurdity.
1 Corinthians 7:11–7
Paul promotes the uncommon virtue of singleness, and the church should likewise honor those who remain single and never treat them as being less than mature adults. Many of the great leaders in the Bible, the church, and the world have been single.
Verse 3 speaks of the husband’s and wife’s “marital duty” to each other, which is universally and accurately interpreted to mean that they should make themselves available to each other for sexual intercourse.
Verse 4 establishes that the husband’s body belongs not only to him but also to his wife. And the wife’s body belongs not only to her but also to her husband.
Verse 5 recognizes that married couples should have regular sexual relations. If they don’t, frustrations of one or the other will open the door to the devil’s temptations.
Too often if a spouse thinks they’re too spiritual to have, and enjoy, sex with their spouse—or if they get too busy with work, activities, or even church—the lonely and quietly frustrated spouse may fall to all kinds of temptation.
So, married people, make time for sex. And unmarried people, have peace in singleness or may God guide you to a loving spouse.
1 Corinthians 12:21–23
In the context of spiritual gifts, Paul speaks of parts of the human body as a metaphor for relating individuals to the church. In verses 21–22 he describes how some parts of the body that are obviously important cannot consider other parts unimportant. Verse 23 states, “The parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty.” These body parts that are appropriately treated with special modesty are, of course, a woman’s breasts and vulva and a man’s penis. (Note your reaction at having read those naughty words—horrors! That is precisely the point.) Note that these parts are never—not here, not anywhere in Scripture—considered morally dirty (though you’re wise to wash with soap). Rather, they are sacred, holy, as in set apart to the spouse. And in front of all other people, they are treated with special modesty.
1 Thessalonians 4:3–8
This is the Bible’s most succinct and clear statement on sexual purity.
We are to avoid sexual immorality, as defined above, and control ourselves—not lose our minds with unbridled lust without boundaries, as the Bible recognizes nonbelievers’ doing.
This can be challenging for some of us in this highly sexually crazed world in which we live.
No one is to sexually do wrong or take advantage of anyone else. Do so, and God promises to punish you.
Song of Songs
This book is attributed to Solomon, which is how it got in the Bible. It has otherwise been somewhat of an embarrassment to many traditional Jews and Christians.
Because of this embarrassment, the church has followed Judaism in promoting the interpretation that the whole thing is metaphorically about God and Israel / Christ and the church. But in responsible biblical exegesis, this is in no way a credible interpretation. Song of Songs was written a thousand years prior to Christ and the church, and nothing in the book indicates that it is prophetic or metaphorical in that sense.
The metaphors in the book are all related to romantic love and physical sex.
To apply the book metaphorically to God’s love for Israel or Christ’s love for the church, or to a grand celebration of mankind’s enjoyment of the natural world, is fine, no problem. But the true, original, intended meaning of the book is about love and sex.
Song of Songs is written like a musical performance. It is a series of songs sung or verses spoken during a week-long Hebrew wedding feast, in this case for King Solomon.
Why is this book here? And why is it significant?
Try this:
• Enjoyment of sex is from God and is good within the covenant of marriage.
• Song of Songs is God’s antidote for adultery and pornography.
In antiquity “fruit” and “garden” are metaphorically used in sexual reference, particularly the genitals, as verses 2:3 and 4:16–5:1 enthusiastically express.
Note the open, mutually blessing, shameless, sexually indulgent descriptions of 4:1–7 and 7:1–8.
Note in 7:10–12 that pomegranates were associated with fertility and mandrakes were considered an aphrodisiac.
Note the sexual confidence of the woman toward her husband in 8:10.
Humanly and physically speaking (not spiritual as in sanctification), the most private places of our bodies are the most sacred, the most holy—i.e., set apart for our spouses—and within the covenantal vows of marriage we are free to enjoy God’s gift of sex to us.
__________
All of the above creates a powerful physical unity, romantic passion, and unity of soul that also stands up against pornography, adultery, and abuse.
Be blessed and bless your spouse with God’s gift to you.
______________________________
Married Couples Remember…
Commitment
A good and lasting marriage is not founded on emotional love. Emotional love motivates and inspires, but also goes up and down—hardly a good foundation. The foundation is your vow of lifelong commitment to unconditional acceptance and selfless, giving love to each other.
Respect
The essential ingredient of a lasting quality relationship is respect.
People might fight with, abuse, and manipulate people they love—but not people they respect.
Respect makes love grow stronger, more protective, and more enduring.
Forgiveness
A good marriage is the union of two forgivers—for as long as you live.
Family Verse
Remember your family Bible verse. Use it. What is yours?
Good Relationship
Maintain openness and trust—allow nothing hidden, nothing to be feared.
Draw close to God, and he will draw the two of you close together—like people on two sides of a triangle moving toward the same point. Submit to each other—Ephesians 5:21, 22, 25.
Avoid Being a Parasite
Establish your fundamental identity, your life’s redemption, your deepest sense of security and self-esteem in Christ so you don’t become like an emotional parasite and suck the life out of your spouse.
Commit to serving and blessing each other.
Behavior
When bothered or in conflict, your behavior is far more important than whether you are right or wrong.
Which will you remember, or care about, a month or year from now?
When in Conflict
Express hurt or sadness rather than anger.
This can be hard, especially for guys. But the results are worth it.
Garden
A marriage is like a garden. Tend it well so that “weeds” don’t take over.
Mutually work out a pragmatic strategy to overcome an ongoing issue.
Sexual Fulfillment
Any kind of new experience always loses its newness over time. Be realistic.
Sparks will fade but love will deepen and go “from fireworks to honey on warm bread.”
Commit to open, honest, trusting, communication—with free, unembarrassed, pleasure-giving intimacy.
Languages of Love
Learn the ways your spouse longs to be loved. Then love him or her in those ways.
You may love your spouse—but does your spouse feel loved?
- Affirmation / appreciation
- Touch / physical closeness
- Quality time together
- Acts of service
- Giving
